Drumming taught me how to listen, and I learned it when I was young. My ear was tuned to rhythmic patterns at about the same time I realized I could play drums at age 14. I began hearing speech in the same way I heard music . . . taps and beats, pauses and n punctuations, stutters and rapid fire sentences all filling the air and shaping sound into meaning.
To me, a sentence was the beat of a stanza, and a pause was something I learned from the absence of sound. I wanted volume, but I learned that volume and voice are only part of communication. A voice on the page, in speaking, and at the end of a drumstick carries emotions, aggravations, hesitations, confidence or fears, welcomes or dismissals, and sometimes a plea to be understood.
better speaking begins with listening
That is when I began to tune in to everything I heard.
I concentrated on listening and started learning through my body along with my ears. Music taught me rhythm and emotion, but listening taught me attention and value. Over time, I began to understand that speech and music live close together.
Both depend on sound.
Both depend on silence.
Both depend on timing.
Both depend on hearing and paying attention to what may have been meant.
A speaker who understands this about listening is far more prepared to speak than one who thinks listening is something other people do while they talk.
Why Better Speaking Begins with Listening
Speaking and listening live like everything else, in balance.
When a speaker stands as a host welcoming guests, something is offered. But something is also received. If the speaker is listening to his/her audience, they will hear what they are saying through their words and body language.
This is one of the central ideas behind speaking as hospitality.
Public speaking is normally tuned like a makeover, where we are taught to project, where to stand, when to gesture, how to open, or how to close. Those things may matter, but they are not the root of human communication.
The root is listening and paying attention.
A good speaker listens to language.
A good speaker listens to silence.
A good speaker listens to the room before entering it and continues listening after the first word has been spoken.
Have You Ever Practiced Listening?
At the start of my communication classes, I opened the first-class session with about 20 minutes with no talking. I sat in front and just smiled when they arrived but didn’t say anything. I had a statement was projected on the whiteboard that said.
“Welcome to your class. Please take your seat and remain silent. There will be plenty of time for talking later, but for now just listen.”
My students wondered what was happening and asked questions to try getting me to talk. But I simply nodded my head and pointed to the message. Through use of the whiteboard, silence, and recorded narrative, they caught on to the listening focus.
It sounds almost strange to say. We practice speeches, we practice teaching, delivery, enunciation, and all other aspects of speaking, but we don’t practice listening.
Have you ever practiced listening? One communication book stated that listening is, “the most often used communication skill, but the least often practiced.”
Most people have been told to listen, but fewer have been taught how to listen. Fewer still have practiced listening as a discipline, a habit, and a form of respect.
Listening is active, it is a focused act of attention that can be accomplished when someone’s emotional quotient allows them to get out of their own way. It asks the speaker to become a learner before becoming a voice.
Listening Changes the Speaker
If you want to become more effective as a public speaker, begin with two reminders.
First, it is not about you.
Second, continually tune in and listen to people speaking.
Listen not only to speeches, lectures, sermons, podcasts, and interviews. Listen to everything around you.
Listen to the rhythm of ordinary conversation.
Listen to the person who pauses before answering.
Listen to the question behind the question.
Listen to the silence after a hard sentence.
Listen to the music inside language.
Better listening will make you a better learner and a better communicator. You will hear things you might otherwise have missed. You will notice that:
A speaker who listens is less frantic.
A speaker who listens is less self-absorbed.
A speaker who listens is more helpful.
Speaking Is Not About the Speaker Alone
This is a book where making contact through speaking is the focus, but listening is of greater importance in achieving effective communication.
If you want to surprise someone, do not work so hard to be an impressive speaker.
Work hard to be an impressive listener.
This means you learn to prepare yourself and your voice by listening first. The people in front of you have entered the room with histories, questions, worries, intelligences, and expectations. Speaking as hospitality means you will first receive them.
Are You Ready to Listen?
Ask whether you are emotionally ready to listen. Because if you are not ready to listen, you are not ready to accept the truth that your speaking is not about you. This is directly related to your emotional quotient. Your ability to put yourself on the back burner, recognize that it is not about you, and be fully present in your moment.
That can be difficult.
Many speakers want approval. Many speakers want to prove competence. Many speakers want to impress the audience, win the room, establish authority, or demonstrate expertise.
But speaking as hospitality asks something else. It asks the speaker to listen first and to prepare yourself first in the safe harbor of your choosing. Then, when you leave the harbor and set sail to make contact and implement the hospitality you have prepared to offer, then you speak and also serve, welcome, and also make contact.
Listening Makes the Room Hospitable
Speakers will find a fallow field if they rely only on tricks, techniques, performance, or authority-by-credentials.
But speakers who return to listening, presence, ease, goodwill, and relationship will find an audience that is prepared to hear you.
That is why listening is part of speaking. Not an accessory to speaking. Not a courtesy after the real work is done. Listening is where the real work begins. Before the voice can serve, the ear must learn to listen.
What did you notice here? I welcome your thoughts.